I wrote about the recent dream I had...and hearing from him again not long after. But there's some thoughts I didn't want to put on livejournal that I want to put here.

I remember how, in my fandom for Phantom of the Opera, I felt like if I were in Christine's place, I would have chosen to stay with Erik. I often felt like he would be one who would understand me, given my own experiences of social rejection...

But I feel like in a way I was in Christine's position, not long ago. The Christine to my own story..

But I did not go with my Phantom...

There was a Raoul in the picture. Someone who wanted to help me, to save me from the control my Phantom seemed to have over me. Who wanted me to be with him instead.

But it was my Phantom's actions that moved me to leave him. I left in anger, running to the arms of my Raoul.

But the Phantom haunts me still. Lingering in the back of my mind up until now, appearing once again.

I could have continued to run...to block him out...but I didn't want to. I listened and spoke with him. I opened doors I had closed.

I could feel it....that almost hypnotic lull...wanting me to stay and talk with him even though I had Raoul near, who seemed dismayed at knowing the Phantom was back.

Why does that spirit continue to haunt me?... Why is it so hard to walk away?...

Before the dream...I remembered the rooftop scene from the ALW musical. I remembered the words the Phantom sang...

I gave you my music
Made your song take wing
And now, how you've repaid me?
Denied me and betrayed me...
He was bound to love you
When he heard you sing...

It made me think of him...and I cried...feeling guilty.