...I feel dead inside. Just a little...a sullen, grey emptiness...

God...I knew that when I asked that things would be like this...but it hurts so much.....so much...

I truly am like Erik..."a poor dog ready to die" for him. I wanted to live for him. I wanted to live and give him life and pleasure and joy and anything else that was within my power to give. He would want for nothing, such is the loyalty and devotion and unending fountain of love I held in my heart for him.

But he had his love...his maiden in need of rescue...And by my pleading prayers to God and the Lord Jesus, they did return home in safety. He brought them home, as I sang. But...the price...is that now...there is no hope. He loves her, and she him. And while he will be my friend, and perhaps even a master....I will never have my dreams with him. Never bear his children, never be his wife or broodmare...

And so I wonder what to do. I still love him...still desire to prove my love to him. Do I stay by his side, dog that I am, and let my dreams die? Do I watch him marry his love, have her bear his children, help them raise them? Or do I walk way...do I put my love to rest once and for all, knowing that if I do, he will doubt that I truly loved him?

Either way....I feel dead. My heart is like a numb void, and yet something still beats blood through my veins and air through my lungs. I wake, I walk, I talk, I type...I cry...but I don't feel alive.

Things can happen...I've still my trip...it's likely I'll have a promotion to follow it, depending on a background check....

But for now....I am dead.

Somebody need me too much,
Somebody know me too well;
Somebody pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive.
Make me alive,
Make me alive