I don't know whose eyes wander here anymore...but that makes it easy to do what I need to, to make my dark confessions. I can't say them elsewhere...but I have to say them, even into ignorant darkness.

I'm really caught between so many things. My love for Mr. ATL, my desire to strengthen my heart through God, and yet...still caught up in pain, still feeling the need for some form of physical comfort, even if just to have someone seriously hold me and show me "It'll be alright."

Mr. ATL....he's putting me through torture. Admittedly, he has the right to do whatever he wishes, but it hurts me even so. He's...hunting. He's going out and seeking people for sex. And he thinks that I should not do that...that I should save myself, be it for him or someone else that I develop love for. Wanting to be strong, a part of me agrees with this...I don't want to have cheap sex like I used to...but...it's been so hard...so very hard to hold on.

The last time I had sex was with the Japanese gent I met at the concert with Mom. So for 5 months I've been going with nothing...no kisses...no touch or caress...no penetration... And I long for it. I don't want it from just anyone, but I so desperately long for it. Knowing that Mr. ATL is getting satisfaction...getting those things while I lie in anguish...I think it just makes it even worse. But at the same time, I don't want him to lie to me about it. It's better I know than to be frustrated with wondering... There's just no way of him doing it without hurting me.

I know I am meant to look to God, to rely on Him...and I hear His voice console me and offer comfort. But I still wish that I could feel it in some physical form. I've always believed that God acts through people at times...I just could do with having someone...or a couple someones...to turn to. Physical, tactile support...

I know that I need to learn to live my life...not to mold it to Mr. ATL's. I sense this is the lesson God is trying to show me, particularly given that Mr ATL's been so busy this week. God is telling me "There are things you should do, no matter whether you'll miss him or not." I should have tried working out going to one of the small groups on Tuesday. I should try going to the worship rehearsals that are tonight. I need to be stern with myself. "It does not matter if I miss him!" Because clearly it doesn't matter if he misses me. He's living his life, doing whatever he pleases....I need to do the same. I need to live. I need to get out of my apartment.

I need to go for a walk, so I'll stop here.