If you thought my last entry was a crazy idea....well kids, things are taking a new turn of crazy.

Mr. Afraid To Love has been showering me in his attention and affection. Still does not call it love, but considers it 'a relationship'. We've had some pretty serious conversations...suggested some very serious plans...

Now...Mr. ATL (laziness kicking, people) has a sort of lyncanthropy about him. Why? Because he is fond of wolves and the concept of a pack. As we got to know each other, he eventually began to wonder if I could handle such a thing in real life. Could I handle sharing him with one or more females or males? Because of the feelings inside me....this insanely strong desire to please him...I told him I could, if I grew comfortable with the involved parties.

This set him on the track to introducing me to another, older female lover, whom he had known for several years. I felt shy at first, but thankfully she and I are similar in some ways that we are able to open up and talk with each other. My curiosity on the feel of being affectionate with a woman helps as well. So long as I am learning to love them both, and they me, I think I really could handle this small 'pack'.

One of the talks we had was about having children. The lady has already had daughters, but admitted a desire for a son. I shared I wanted at least one of each gender. And Mr. ATL noted he wanted LOTS of children. I ended up confessing to him when he and I were alone that I would enjoy bearing children for him.....and of all things, the thought TURNED HIM ON! He REALLY wanted it, as if the offer were better than sex for the sake of sex. I've never known someone to think of having children that way...it really hooked me. If he wants me, I want to be his, I want to give him children.

And so...the talks of visits came. I offered to fly up and visit sometime, but alas, I've only so much money to drop, and he doesn't want me to stay at his place the first time we meet. I did a good job saving when planning to go to New Zealand...I could honestly still go, but since that gent is no longer in a place of his own and Mr. ATL is suddenly a LOT more interested in me...it's better that I don't. Mr. ATL suggested putting some money in a mutual fund. I have no clue on how to go about it. It'd be easy, I suppose, to find a broker and say "Here, make this grow, I'll be adding as I go!"....but I'm hesitant. But time is of the essence...

*sighs* He knows of my infidelity. It is another reason he's postponing the visit a bit. He's been cheated on before...he doesn't think I will, but feels it's another reason to wait than give in to the desire to come visit him so soon. But I may have a very long wait ahead....and that saddens me and makes me worry. I don't want to fail him....I don't want to hurt him.....

And there's my contribution of garbled thoughts for the day. Oh, and I'm praying that the new computer will let me still be able to use MSN and AIM at work. Please God, don't leave me severed here at work! ;-;