I know it's pretty plain....I'm a dependency retard. But alas, knowledge does nothing to stop the emotional heart.

Mr. Soul Mate went with another girl. Surprise sur-fucking-prise...But we're still acquainted as friends. He's been helping me keep my mind off of my lack of worth by giving me karaoke tracks to play with. It's helped...sort of.

Moving on then...

There has been another gent (yes online, yes from the board chats) who I've been talking to...and interestingly enough, while it started out as initially as friendly sexual conversation, I feel now like perhaps it's become more than that.

He started off saying he wasn't interested in a deep relationship. Given my recent rejections, I accepted this fact and said that I wasn't opposed to having 'interesting conversation', as it ended up happening based on things mentioned in the chat. So we would talk, and sometimes we would describe affection for each other, though at first only going so far as kisses. It's only been recently that things have been going beyond rated R...*cough*

Anyway, the thing is, he started to become closer as we talked. He eventually would call me love or lover in our talks, would use <3 more often. He would say "love you", and surprisingly enough he even seemed a little jealous today at the thought that I might get involved with others ICly in the MUD we played. So it has me wondering if in fact what has fallen into my lap was yet another unexpected love.

We sleepily talked of the idea of meeting in person. He says there are things he and I need to do first, but he wouldn't say what. It had me a little sad wondering, because I can't help worrying over what might be keeping him from taking that step.

But who knows, maybe I'm just fooling myself, or setting myself up again. I haven't brought these observations up with him, but have just tried to go with what he does.

I feel like crying...but I'm sure it's cause I'm tired. So to dreamland I go...