I'm in mixed moods today. A friend to many of those in the office passed away yesterday of cancer. I couldn't help thinking of Dad... But, there are other things on my mind, bringing both happiness and a little sadness.

There was a gent from the VAA that I started talking to last week. At first, I didn't think much of him, as he was just talking because he'd wanted to join in on my reservation of rooms at AX. Being upset with others about making decisions last minute on the deadline, I told him that I couldn't add him in after the deadline, though deep down I felt bad saying it. This guy seemed nice and meant well, he'd just chosen a bad time. In the end, he arranged to get a reservation with his mom, and just work out meeting up with us. I didn't think I'd be hearing from him after that.

And then, there was a chat...

One of my friends often invites AVAs into chats on AIM to talk. This works well, especially with Iparty having become difficult to use as often. And Wednesday night, the guy who I'd spoken to about the reservation was there. He was sharing some clips of him singing and doing a monologue, so I asked to hear them as well. When I did, it was like something shifted inside me...the man suddenly had my full attention. He had a very nice voice, and hearing him perform the monologue reminded me of how I'd felt listening to last year's AX Idol voice acting winner. 'He's got the talent!'

Hearing him sing made me want to sing something, so I did a quick recording of one of my songs I'm doing at AX this year. He seemed to enjoy it, and we ended up talking outside of the chat, one on one. We found ourselves being very kind to each other, with praises and thanks. I felt my heart warming up to him. It seemed a bit strange, the way the seed was starting to bloom inside... while certainly, there are those from online who I'd developed a fondness for, this felt a little different. I don't know why, but it did...

We had stayed up talking so late that I went to bed around 3am, but was kept up by Brett moving around, playing games and trying to get one of the cats out of the room. By the time I was due to get up for work, I chose instead to stay home and rest, as my head felt quite stuffy and ached. I slept until the afternoon, then moved myself to the computer and did what I usually do...look up information.

I was able to see some previous works he had been in, and even came across his lj account. A note I saw on there caught my eye... he had a girlfriend. But, as the journal hadn't been used in a few months, I pondered if perhaps things had changed. I didn't even know if my feelings were one-sided at this point, so I tried not to let it offend me. When he wandered online that evening, we spoke on AIM again, that warm feeling in my heart coming back. It seemed like maybe he felt it too, and I was a bit open in admitting that I enjoyed his company, and was lingering because of him. But I didn't ask about what I had seen...I needed to know more.

Friday was the true day of revelation. We talked while I was at work, I suggesting he download Skype so we could use it when I returned home. I told him I was curious about him and began asking random questions about himself. As I neared the end of my shift, I decided to go ahead and ask, "Are you currently seeing someone?" "Why?.." he asked. I tried to keep it light, "Partly curious." It took a long time for him to answer. Since AIM sometimes shows when one is typing, I could see him starting and stopping, removing what he'd type. When he did answer, he said that he was currently seeing someone. I nodded, and he added, "I'm sorry." I asked him why, and he said, "Nevermind, forget about it." This had me thinking that perhaps, even though he was with someone, he had been interested in me. "I think I know why you said it, but it's alright if you don't want to say." He told me, "Well, the thing is...a part of me was wishing I'd said no." "A part of me wished you had," I admitted, and seeing as it was time to go, I told him we could talk more once I returned home. When I got home, he was away, so it wasn't until later in the evening that we were able to continue our talk.

I thanked him for being honest with me, both in telling me about the girlfriend and admitting his temptation. It was good to know that he didn't want to hurt me, in spite of the feelings that seemed to be racing inside us. At that moment, we were merely acknowledging our interest. Then we began to use Skype, and the conversation began to have a much more personal feel.

I loved hearing his voice. He seemed to like hearing mine too, particularly my shy giggling and my sighs. Our conversation weaved back and forth between friendly chats about random things, to the situation between him and his girlfriend. Deep down, my intention wasn't to purely sway him. Admittedly, even though I wanted him, I did not want to force him to make a choice. When he talked about the problems they had been facing, things done or said that seemed a sad sign for the future, I tried to comfort him, tell him my opinion. I just wanted to make him happy and feel better...

When he'd shown me a picture of himself, I noted the ring on his finger. As we were talking, there was a moment where he seemed in thought. I heard a sound of tinkling metal, and he asked if I heard it. I said yes, and asked what it was. He said that it was the ring that his girlfriend had given him for their engagement....he'd taken it off.

I sat back, stunned. I was caught with some feelings of guilt and happiness. I wanted him to like me, but I didn't want him to regret his choice. He said that I seemed to know the things he wanted to hear...needed to hear, that in spite of such a short time, we seemed to understand each other. He said he'd never felt this way with his girlfriend... and that it seemed that I was what he was looking for all along.

We were both tempted at that point, hearing each other, longing for each other. He said that he wanted to say it, but knew that once it was said, it couldn't be taken back. I couldn't breathe, realizing what he was wanting to say. "Would you...say it first?" Time stopped for me at that moment. A race of thoughts went through my mind, not wanting to be wrong or foolish, not wanting to hurt him, not sure if I could endure. But the pure innocence and longing in his voice when he asked, moved me to my choice. "....I love you." "I love you, too" he replied. And my heart was ready to burst!

The past weekend was quite wonderful after that, even in spite of some issues with my own family arising off and on. We seemed to relish in each others love, and it felt beautiful.

Now, you're probably wondering what drove me to my insanity. Well, I took in a lot of factors in those seconds of holding my breath. First was the fact that how I fell for him was slightly different than others. With others, there had been humor or intelligence that had drawn me to them. With this man, it was the sweetness, the kind and considerate demeanor that washed over me in his words. He was truly a romantic, moreso than I had seen in any I'd fallen for be with me. Second was that in spite of my developing feelings, it never got physical. Sure, we'd love to hold each other and kiss each other, but there wasn't that desperate hunger that I'd end up feeling with others. Not that I don't think I'll want it after seeing him in the flesh, but it was something of note to me. I was falling for the person, and my lust or physical longing wasn't being an influence. Third is that he is at least in the same state as myself, which can allow for more visits than for those out of state or even the country. Admittedly, he's not as close as a drive to San Diego, but he's near enough that I could probably manage a weekend trip at least once in a while, like when I had been going to Fresno. Besides, as he has told me that he wants to pursue voice acting as a career, that makes it likely that he'd be willing to move down this way some day. But admittedly, the biggest thing was how he had been so moved by me as to consider leaving his fiance. I mean, competitiveness aside, that's a major thing to do, and if I meant that much already...how could I resist?

I'm debating telling his name. Do you want to know? It'll make the conversation easier if I have something to call him... but hopefully it won't become a problem. His name is Nick. ^^

I want to say more, but I feel rather tired and sick. I'm supposed to go have lunch with Bernard in about an hour anyway. Nick sang this to me last night before I went to sleep. <3

Oh thinking about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free

Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me coming back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And loving is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven