Yet another episode of weird dreams swam through my brain last night. I think it was induced by the idea that Billy Corgan has been in a 'hang out' mood with his fans during his tour. I'm hopeful he'll feel the same when he comes around Los Angeles, particularly since he'll be here for 2 nights.

I couldn't write earlier since work was wanting me to hustle with some letters from last week, so the dream is a bit faint now. But, it was like I was hanging out with Billy, and he was dealing with some of the harsh memories he'd been bringing to light on his Myspace blog. But he felt comfortable talking with me about them, like he felt I really was listening, and understood.

Heheh, in the dream, I was tempted to be affectionate with him. I wanted to hug him and hold him. I would have kissed him if he had wanted. But I was too shy to be foward with him, and he seemed happy just being able to talk and let go of what the past seemed to hold over him.

Of course, in reality, I know I've no chance in the world with Mr. Corgan being so close a friend, let alone consider affection from me...but it was a nice dream. And truly, seeing all the experiences he's written, I can't help my heart developing a different fondness for him. Before, when he was with the Smashing Pumpkins, he was purely the visual and the audio. He was a performer, but I knew no more of him. These writings have changed that visage. Billy is no longer the performer, he is the human being. He's had success, he's still a wonderful singer and musician in my eyes, but now I see the man that made the performer. I'm meeting the real Billy now, and not a front.

If there is a chance to meet when he comes here in July, I was thinking I'd like to give him something. I don't know what just yet though. I mean, what do you give to a man who could easily afford whatever he desired? I'm thinking about it...

I've not been feeling well these past few days. Ended up ranting on my LJ about the rooming situation for AX. Brett's growing more and more distant as he prepares to move out. I just feel overcome. The cloud is working its way back over me.

I don't really like being alone. In the silence, the thoughts creep in with the negativity, making me feel pathetic in my lack of companions, friend or otherwise. I know it's not healthy to be so dependent, but it's something that was worked into me like a virus. Growing up was the programming and this is the result.

Even stranger is how the libido seems to hunger more with the oncome of being alone. I'm craving affection, I'm aching for release, that temporary medicine that makes the world seem alright for a little while. Why do I have to turn on easier at this point? It just makes it more difficult to deal with the downtime. -.-

And I think it also explains a little bit of my dream. Sheesh, I woke up in a sweat. ^^;;

Scott was showing me some Warcraft music videos people made, and the song from one of them got stuck in my head. It's called "Here Without You", by 3 Doors Down.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.