I'm glad that in spite of my lack of membership, my entries over the years are still preserved here. Even though there were plenty of difficult times, I enjoy the ability to lose myself in reflection.

So, Saturday was rather pleasant and unusual at the same time. Shota came over in the afternoon, and I was able to set him free. What makes it strange is that while Brett was on good behavior, he did stay home the entire time, not having much to do elsewhere. Just stayed in the living room watching TV.

I'm glad that Shota enjoyed the experience, but there was the faint glumness inside. He told me that he hoped I would someday find a husband who would be able to be as passionate as we had been for those few hours. And he smiled, musing that the release seemed to have improved my appearance. I know he meant well, but they're still painful reminders that I'd rather not be reminded of.

He noted that some people had seen a difference in him from the previous weekend. I'm really not surprised, as I think his experiment with me really has proven to him how far he can go if he takes those steps with the right girl. I'd been telling him when we were in the parking lot last weekend, that he could easily have accomplished this with any other girl. He seemed to feel that those he flirted with weren't as sexually open (read = saving themselves), or didn't take him seriously. Maybe now that he knows what he's wanting, it'll be easier for him. And when it gets easier, he'll no longer need to claim that I am his.

He was saying he loved me. I asked him, "Do you really mean that?" "I don't know," he said smiling. "It just seemed the right thing to say." I tried to correct him, "Well....I know you like me, and I know you lust for me. But love...is different. You don't know me well enough yet." I offered a smile to try and veer away from potential hurting. "There's a saying for it in Japanese, right? Suki desu?" He nodded, and we held each other close before losing ourselves once more to our passion.

Oi...it was good. It's just a shame that it must be solely a physical thing. I mean, I would have liked to be able to do other things together, see concerts, hang out, meet other friends or his family. But I think that won't come to pass, at least not unless I become more 'prizeworthy'. He's not said that outright, but that's the impression I get since he concerns himself with my appearance. It's sorta like the mime from Pasadena a few years ago, who would only be willing to date me if I lost weight.

I was talking to Brett about that story and how several guys have had that agenda. It makes me wonder "Why bother with me to begin with if I'm too fat for you?" And they say women are naive to think they can change men. I suppose in that arena with me, men are just as naive. Like, "Here's this great girl who's awesome in bed and has such a lovely face. If only she were thin, she'd be perfect!" It hurts when they do that, damn it! -.- I know that I'd be better if I lost the weight, I don't need to be teased with potential relationships over it. That's not right...

I wish that losing the weight were so much easier. But it's hard when I don't have the right motivation inside me to get out and do anything to work it off. I can't help the hopelessness inside me that tells me, "You'll never lose it all. You'll always be obese." This why I think support groups or gyms must be fairly successful, because there's someone else challenging those thoughts. But those things aren't free...

Would life really be easier if I were thin? Would I be happier? I think that's another thing I honestly fear, that if I do manage to somehow shed this excess weight, nothing will really change. Maybe I'd have access to better clothes but....I'd still be alone in the end.

But of course, in spite of everything, I will answer Shota's call until circumstances change...

It's late...no lyrics for now...