Interesting, how I'm coming back, huh? But that's because I'm used to being more open on here. I never had a problem talking about things like sex here, and yes, that's part of what I'm needing to talk about right now.

It's been said that Scorpios are ruled by their genitals. Given my experiences, I do not doubt this. Since falling prey to physical desires nearly 10 years ago, sex has had a very strong influence on my life. Most especially so when I gained freedoms like having a car, having a place to live away from the family. A stint of going to Rocky Horror twice a week was also quite a kick to the sex life, as well as being open to meeting people I spoke with online. If I was lonely, I would take what came my way, even if it was not what I completely wanted. Sex was my drug. In a way, it still is. And that's become prevalent again, with recent changes in my life. My longing has me craving the physical affection, even if there is no guarantee for something meaningful to be coupled along with it.

But, there's one thing that has seemed to be a sort of 'trend'. And that is that some of the recent men in my life have been virgins, whose purity I've taken with their consent. There's also been a few who were virgins and were tempted to go all the way, but it just didn't end up happening. I look on this and wonder if this means anything.

You may be wondering if I've enjoyed my experiences with those when it was their first time. And I can say without hesitation that I have! It's different when it is someone's first time. There's an anticipation and excitement there that you don't often find in one who already has things figured out. I will also admit that I really feel on cloud nine when I've pleased them, showed them how good it can feel.

I sometimes can't help thinking that maybe it was meant to happen that way. That perhaps I'm not meant to be with these men as lifemates, but to give them that experience as a part of their life's journey. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit crazy, but when people talk of things like 'fate', 'destiny', or 'God's will', I honestly can't help the thought creeping into my brain. And truly, none of these men have stayed with me in the end, but the experience changes them. In some, I've seen it seriously bolster their confidence in one way or another. Maybe I get the short end of the deal, but if what I've done has helped them in the long run, I do feel glad for that.

I truly would like to have a good working relationship though. But I've come to the conclusion that I am not ready for it. Clearly I'm not set for Mr. Right. And he hasn't quite shown up yet anyway. So in the meantime, I will succumb to what is offered me, and just try to keep growing in the mind and the body and the heart.

Billy Corgan's song A100 is very sensual, the way he sings it. Lord knows that when I hear it, my genitals tend to agree. XD; Here's the whole song...

stay with me
just a little
lay with me
just a little
stay with me
just a little more

YOU ARE LOVE
YOU ARE SOUL
YOU ARE REAL TO ME

some might say
my love devours you whole
some might say
that life is my love

fools like us remind me trust
the ways I feel surround you up

some might say
my love is reaching you
some might say
that life is waiting...
alone

YOU ARE LOVE
YOU ARE SOUL
YOU ARE TEARS
YOU I KNOW

I could love you
I could love you home
and all I ask for
is that I love you
that I love you more
I would say
empty things
have empty dreams that find me

some might say
my love devours you whole
some might say
that life is my love

fools like us remind me trust
the ways I feel surround you up

and I could love you
I could love you home
in ways I feel surround you

YOU ARE LOVE
(just a little more)
YOU ARE REAL
(just a little more)
YOU ARE SOUL
(just a little more)
YOU I FEEL
(just a little more)

stay with me just a little more
stay with me just a little more
stay with me just a little more
stay with me just a little more

cause fools like us remind me trust
the ways I feel LOVE
do I feel love?