To Someone Out There,

Next week, I will have lived with Brett for 3 months. Funny how at the start of a month, the end seems so distant...and yet, here we are, a full 3 months beyond.

If you've been visiting my Livejournal, you'll know that things haven't been as ideal as when they started. And if you haven't been reading it, I doubt you're still surprised.

Geez...was I really meant to just be a hermit? I thought that I'd be happier living with Brett...but the emotions have slipped into the opposite direction.

When he was just visiting here, the time we spent together was 'just us' time. No computer gaming, TV watching, emailing....just he and I together in bed talking, being playful, and other things. But ever since he's been living with me, that all changed. He does a lot on his comp now that it's here. And it just nags at my brain, even knowing that before, I myself spent a good deal of time doing things on the comp. But because he was *there*, I wanted his time. I was no longer attracted to the conversations on Iparty or recording songs or lines for the VAA...knowing he was close consumed my mind.

And my foolish mind sank into the depression that resulted. Even though I was keeping myself from my online friends, I felt sad and lonely. The tired ache seemed stronger now that I was driving myself to work and back....I was no longer active til 3am like I used to. I felt sleepy by midnight. Going onto the comp after coming home no longer seemed like relief. I felt alone and bored...

With Brett, the negative thoughts crept in my brain and spread like wildfire. He was content to sit at his desk from 6pm-midnight playing Civ III and/or writing emails while simultaneously watching TV, as his desk was in the living room. "He doesn't want me or need me. He doesn't miss me anymore, doesn't care about my feelings. He would be content simply to play his game all day long. He doesn't really love me..." The thoughts started to take a voice, as they moved me to moments of tears or anger with Brett as time progressed. He seemed to no longer know the right things to say, or to make me feel better.

I've been thinking as of late that perhaps if Brett were no longer living with me, things would go back to the way they were. But he doesn't want to leave, partly I think because he can't afford to leave. I just don't see things getting better though with him staying with me. He continues to claim he'll work things out, but nothing changes. Not a damn thing...

Mom and Shad tell me I should have him move out. The few online friends I do talk to on occasion tell me to work it out with him. I don't know what to do. I just want that happiness he gave me back in March, but I've not seen it since he's moved here. Not ever. *sniffs*

I don't know why it's on my mind right now. After all, tomorrow will be the start of my Anime Expo weekend. Away from work, home, everything. A chance to get an audition with Bang Zoom! Studios, to perhaps *finally* place in the Karaoke contest....

I should go practice. Here's hoping...